Dear Things I Need To Have Happen Sometime In The Near Future,

I'm in a transitional phase. Rather, I'm in a waiting/transitional phase. Again. I'm on the brink of so many wonderful and exciting things. Some of them I need to just DO, and others require a little patience. These things have been swimming their way through my brain currents in a semi-unorganized fashion, so I'm taking this I'm-not-sleepy moment to let them all run out my fingertips and find some order on the screen I see before me, while updating my blog for all you lovely people on the screen you see before you. Yourself? Grammar. Ugh.

Before I rampage everything yet to happen, I must gloriously announce one huge thing that has a giant green check mark next to it on my to-do list, I HAVE A JOB! Actually, I have TWO jobs! One at Massage Envy in American Fork, the other is with a company called True Balance Onsite Massage, where I go to various places of business in the valley and work on employees, giving chair massage. Both are fantastic. Both are going to get me out of school debt and out of my parents' house and... oh dear, I let the list get ahead of me. may as well start it now.

1. I need to pay off my school debt. As previously stated and as logic goes, the jobs (and some prudence on my part) will take care of this. After multiple sit-downs with the calculator on my phone, I've figured out that I'll be able to pay off most of what I owe to the government by the end of the summer. BOO-YAH. However, I want to build my credit (I feel so adult and boring saying this) so I'll still make monthly payments for a good, eh... whatever will build my credit faster. Speaking of credit, how does one go about safely checking their credit score for free? Rumor has it it's possible, but like hayel if I'm trusting the commercials on the radio.

2. I need to move out of my parents' house. Here's the plan: I save up what I can to complete number 1 this summer, then move to Provo in August. If you'd ask me if I'd ever move back to Provo this time two years ago, I would have laughed and then punched you in the face. I've changed SO MUCH in the last two years, absolutely for the better. I'm in healthier, more self-relient place. I'm not moving out because I feel like I have to, I'm doing it because I want to. I can't be an adult the way I want to be while living here. Don't get me wrong; I'm eternally grateful for my parents' patience, understanding, and overwhelming support in letting me stay here, but they would agree that it's time I get my own place.
So why Provo? It's farther from work than where I live now, it's full of zoobies, and... some other con to make this a proper tri-list. Really, the only con is that I'd have to forge the Utah Valley I15 for a solid 7 entrance/exits. The goal is to get a place that's really close to the Center Street entrance, and Envy is right off the American Fork Main Street exit, so the commute would be about 90% freeway, which is not that bad... depending on construction and the time of day. I'll risk it. Besides, living that close to the freeway will get me far away enough from campus that my ward won't necessarily be filled with 18-year-olds who will be married faster than you can say, "Family, Home and Social Sciences." (I'm being so rude here, guys. Sorry if I offend you.) But really, most of my friends live there anyway, and let's face it... I need a better dating scene. Cringe. I'm not sure what I'll find there, but it's bound to be better than what I have now.

3. I need to upgrade my standard of living. This goes along well with number 2, but deserves its own mini-category. Things like getting a smart phone to better organize my life. Fixing my bike/getting a new one to be more eco-friendly and to add exercise to my lifestyle, not something I just set time aside to do. Taking better care of the things I have, like clothes, my car, my hair. Using my time wisely. I've spent a lot of the last year getting to the point of functioning well, and it's time to up my game. I have it set in my head that these are all things I'll do once I move out, but really, I can do them right now. So I will!

4. I need Elder Nathan Gardner to come home from his mission already! Three and a half weeks. June 14th. Freakishly excited. Don't get any ideas, people. I'm ready to have my best redhead friend back, and that's it. No, stop it. I know what look you're giving the screen right now. Stop it! I shouldn't have said anything.

5. I need to record myself singing more often, and SHARE it. I haven't given up on my dreams of being a professional singer/actress/whatever, but I've semi put them on hold while pursuing massage therapy. Now that I have THAT underway, I can get back to my core passion of music. I'm juggling with the idea of going back and getting my degree in vocal performance or something music-related, but that's still extremely vague and in the works. Meanwhile, here's a little ditty I recorded with my friend Sam Dodini, who's much better at internet-ly sharing his voice with others and has inspired me to do the same. Enjoy!



Love, Tanika

Dear Anti-Brilliant Inspiration,

You are what I get when I decide that there's no way I'm going to sleep.

Usually you manifest yourself in the form of Thoughts Of Worry; things completely out of my circle of influence that I do my best to avoid spending copious amounts of time pondering during usual waking hours. Blaugh.

Sometimes you creep up on me on the pages of a really good book that I started reading "to help me fall asleep." I can't remember the last time I finished a book between 6 am and 10 pm.

On a related note, "Just one more episode..." Netflix will kill me someday.

A few weeks ago, you turned into ink from a pen scrawled upon my forearm in the shape of all the lyrics of Blackbird. If I were to get a tattoo... obviously I never will, because I immediately went to the bathroom and spent a good twenty minutes washing you off. But it looked fantastic to my 2 am brain.

Tonight, without me even trying to sleep first, you found yourself in a new bottle of nail polish.

It wasn't until after I had finished that I realized this wasn't just a finish-and-go-to-bed project. Turns out nail polish has to dry if you don't want to find yourself with your toes stuck to the sheets of your bed in the morning or something.

So now, you are this blog. Still waiting for them to dry. Thanks.

Love, Tanika

Dear Reader 4

Once again, my life has done that thing where it has become completely different since the last time I blogged. Changes being:

I am single. I won't go into details as to why. But I learned a lot from the experience. Always, always, do life experiences teach me to do better, to be better, next time.

I am graduated, and then some. I'm officially a licensed massage therapist (LMT for short), running an extremely small private practice. I'm currently living in two places at once; up in South Salt Lake with my loverly Aunt and Uncle Findlay during the week and at my parents' place on the weekends. Deciding to do the Master Bodyworker Program at the Salt Lake campus of UCMT (the continuing ed stuff I mentioned in the last blog) has been a huge eye-opener for me. If anything, it has humbled me into realizing that I still have a lot to learn not only about bodywork, but about life. Escaping the Happy Valley Bubble was is a lot scarier than I thought... turns out I really am a product of my surroundings. I'm the self-dubbed "Bright and Shiny" person in my tiny class of six people. Befriending those other five people is the best adventure.

That being said, I'm to the point where I really just want to be working. To have a chance to relight the fire of this fulfilling work. To make a LIVING. So it's time to pound the pavement and be a contributing member of society. And it will happen. I'm more than capable of getting a good job. I'm going to keep telling myself that until someone finally hires me.

Through all of this, I'm doing my best to establish a personal relationship with Heavenly Father, through Christ's atonement. Letting go of some serious pride has broken me down in ways I never thought would be this good for me. It's personal now. It's about doing the right things because I want to, not just because I should. It isn't about what others want or expect of me, it's what God expects of me. It's down to earth, it's deep, and it's real. It is my core. I don't think I've ever been this converted, and it feels more right than anything ever has.

So there you go. Without the forced positivity of anything, that is my life.

Here's a piece of music I've come to remember that I love in the last 48 hours. It, along with other pieces from this soundtrack, will hopefully be making its way into my Massage Therapy playlist as soon as I decide I have enough money to spend on music again. Have a great experience in your life sometime between now and the next time we talk.

Love, Tanika

Dear Reader 3

After randomly picking up my blog again last night, I realized that I had previously talked about "Big Changes" and "Things Happening with My Life" and "I'M AN ADULT!!!" type stuff, but being oh so totally vague about what those happenings were. How mysterious of me... sorta.

Also, very few of my blogs this year have had pictures in them.

So I'm making up for not talking about what's going on in my life, personally, before I have to get ready for the day.

I graduate from THIS school in THREE WEEKS!!!!

Fo shiz. If you need a massage therapist, I'm really quite good. I'm a great Christmas present, too!

So that was the big change. Once I graduate, I'm moving on to 10 more weeks of continuing ed, because I can. However, I definitely want to be working during those 10 weeks. Best time to catch me is on weekends. 

Since starting that school, I have done two plays. First THIS one:

Again. I was white this time. In fact, I looked like THIS:

I KNOW, RIGHT?! Totally awesome experience. Performed it in front of thousands of people. I think. Ha. 

The second play I did was THIS:

Much smaller show, but absolutely fantastic. Got a lot more out of it than I was expecting, particularly in the friendship department. (Shout out to my SHTR peeps. Leedle.)

I sorta looked like THIS:

My hair was a lot more 40's. I was lazy on picture day. But believe me, I make one attractive maid.

Speaking of attractive, I've been dating THIS guy:

He is Trent. He is great. No, we are not engaged. He is currently going to grad school for Scene Design at Ohio State University. That is in Ohio. OHIO is fun to shout. OIHO is fun to shout backward. Ohio is far away. Trent has been far away since the beginning of September. Long distance is not my favorite. But he will be home for the better part of December. And I am excited. Fragmented sentence.

So. That's me since I last blogged. Aside from last night.

Love, Tanika

Dear Dream Role List,

I've always been slightly hesitant to write you, because in the past I felt like writing down those dream roles was an invitation for people to say, "Oh, she could NEVER pull of THAT role!" "Really? That's so mainstream theatre for her!" "Well she could do it if she were shorter/whatever-er..." and the unknown humiliation of putting myself out there would secretly destroy me. But, I've come to realize that not writing such things for such reasons is more than ridiculous. I'm freakishly talented, and anyone who scoffs can SUCK IT! In the most polite way, of course.

And seeing as how I haven't blogged in AGES (massage therapy school is almost done, by the way. !!!!!) here goes. Starting with just musical theatre. These are in no particular order and I'm sure I'll add to this in the future:

Lady of the Lake: Spamalot
Lucille Frank: Parade
Clara Johnson: The Light in the Piazza
Fontine, Eponine: Les Mis
Elphaba: Wicked
Lily: The Secret Garden
Baker's Wife, The Witch, Cinderella: Into the Woods (possibly all at the same time ;) )
Cathy: The Last 5 Years
Gertrude McFuzz: Seussical
Olive: 25th Annual Putnum County Spelling Bee (mostly to perform The I Love You Song)
Nina: In the Heights
Eve: Children of Eden
Lizzy: 110 In the Shade
Jo March: Little Women
Diana Goodman: Next to Normal
Lucy, Emma: Jekyll and Hyde
Marcy: I Love You Because
Belle: Beauty and the Beast
Fiona: Brigadoon
Either woman: Songs for a New World
Audrey: Little Shop of Horrors
Pennywise: Urinetown (I'd do it again in a heartbeat)
Maria: The Sound of Music
Anita: West Side Story
Mother: Ragtime
Kate McGowan: Titanic
Lucy: You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown
Florence: Chess (only to perform Nobody's Side)
Housewife: Working
Ellen: Miss Saigon (only to perform I Still Believe)

And that's that. If I end up writing other dream role lists, consisting of Shakespearian/straight play roles, chances are it'll be a lot shorter. I'll be lucky to knock out half this list before I die, but this is me, sending out these roles into the universe, hoping a few of them will come back my way.

Love, Tanika

Dear Happiness,

I found you!

For the last month and then some, I have been LIVING my life, and it is glorious. In my last post, I talked about how I was making a whole bunch of big changes. Those changes have settled themselves into who I am. For the first time in years, I'm happy on a regular basis. And no, it's not one of those weird euphoric mood swings I get every once in a while where I'm suddenly ecstatic for no apparent reason and then a day or two later, I crash back into what I used to call "my true self," where I was content to be moderately downtrodden. No; I am genuinely a happy person now, and have been for five weeks and counting.

Of course there have been moments of less-than-bliss. Things are not always perfect, and I feel whatever emotions I need to feel about the given situation. But then I choose to focus on my goals, and the things I have power to change, and I go on living. I am not stuck. I am progressing. Instead of life coming at me, I am coming at life. That empowerment is extraordinary. 

I used to hate the word "happy." I thought it sounded cheesy and childish. I would use all sorts of synonyms to avoid using it. Now that I understand the word, not as just an emotion, but as a state of being, I'm more and more inclined to use it. 

To be honest, I've been avoiding writing this post, because I was afraid of jinxing everything I have going for me; that as soon as I allowed myself to write down how blissful I am, something awful would happen to strip me of everything I have going for me. That will not be the case. I know exactly where this happiness is coming from; my Heavenly Father and myself, by allowing Him to empower me to take charge of my life. Instead of waiting around for Him to tell me exactly what I needed to do with my life, I chose for myself and asked if it was okay. After a lot of war against Satan (again, refer to my last post) and breaking through my inhibitions and doubts, I had a glorious light dawn on me that I was doing exactly what I need to be doing. I thank Heavenly Father so much for allowing me to be free, to make my own choices, and for supporting me in them. Because Happiness is my choice, something that I have claimed as my own, it cannot leave me unless I let it go. There is no possible way that is happening any time soon.

Whatever happens from this point forward, I know that I can choose to not let it defeat me. I can overcome everything, because I am not alone, and because this is MY life.

Love, Tanika

Dear Mr. Satan,

Shut up!

I have a lot of really positive changes happening in my life. I've rectified many a wrong, I'm learning to use my talents to do good things for the world, and I've chosen to get the ball rolling with my education and career. Basically, I'm taking charge of my life.

So of course you're making sure I focus on all the things I'm losing instead of what I'm gaining.

You, Satan, do not have that power over my life. I don't believe the lies you think you're getting me to tell myself. Just because changes are happening, does not mean that I am being abandoned. I am choosing to make these steps, and these things inevitably lead to the distancing of people. And that's okay. Everything will end up being okay because I am in line with what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

So, Mr. Satan, shut up!

Love, Tanika

Dear This Shallow Thought,

"I'm worried about marrying an ugly man, because people will look at us and think, 'Wow, she's way too pretty for him.' Also, I'm even more terrified of having ugly kids. And no one will tell me. And marrying an ugly man will up my chances of having ugly kids.

"I'm also worried about marrying a man that's prettier than I am. Because then people will look at us and think, 'Wow, he's way too pretty for her.' Chances of having ugly kids are less if I marry an attractive man, but what if our genes mix in a way that creates really ugly children anyway?"

I'm sure that when I find the right man, these worries will become moot, because I'll be in love and happy and whatever happens, happens, but that doesn't stop these vain and shallow thoughts from crossing my mind every once in a while.

Am I a horrible person for thinking these things?

Love, Tanika

Dear Eating and Losing Weight,

Regardless of how much we has human beings have progressed in the last so many thousands of years, the human body still has many primitive instincts and defenses. We still grow hair all over the place to keep us warm and protect our skin from dirt and whatnot. Women's periods match up if they spend a lot of time together so that "nomadic" families can all settle for a few days while the ladies' bodies take care of business at the same time. If our bodies are suddenly not getting the same amount of food they're used to, they think our society has hit a famine and uses up the fat they have stored all over the place.

So yes, when we practically starve ourselves, we will lose weight. BUT, as soon as we've reached our goal weight and allow ourselves to eat like natural human beings again, our bodies have this huge celebration of "YAY, THE FAMINE'S OVER!!!" They go into panic mode and store as much fat as they possibly can from whatever foods we're eating, just in case the famine comes back. Because our bodies are doing their best to survive, they will only work against us if we work against them by being physical supporters of anorexia. By denying our bodies of the nutrients they need, we are almost literally becoming our own worst enemies. 

Instead of waging war with yourself in the battle for a slimmer figure, realize that your body is your ally. It wants to be healthy! If you feed it as much as it needs, with natural, nutrition-filled foods, coupled with regular exercise, it will happily do its best to comply with your want to lose weight. You may not see the results as quickly as you would with self-abuse and self-neglect, but the benefits of eating well with a healthy lifestyle are far more lasting. Be good to yourself! Be healthy, be happy!

Love, Tanika

P.S. I have a friend, McKenna Gordon, who is the founder of Totally Healthy Recipes. On April 25th, she's inviting one and all to participate in a 30 Day Challenge of living a healthy lifestyle. It's FREE! I'm all ready to go for it and whatnot. If you want to join me, click here. Let's be healthy, people!

Dear Cause and Effect,

If your car has overheating problems, you may choose to borrow your dad's truck to get to work. If the truck suddenly breaks down in the middle of an intersection in Provo, you will hopefully be able to pull into a parking lot to get out of traffic. You will then have to walk the rest of the four blocks to work, in the snow. You will be stopped by that lady who dances with the Pizza sign so she can tell you about her failing marriage. You will show up 12 minutes late to work, drenched. After your shift, you may ask your coworker to give you a ride to your sister's place, which is a lot closer than yours, so you can crash there and deal with the truck situation in the morning. Unfortunately, by the time you CAN deal with it, the lovely University Campus Parking services will have towed your broken down truck half a block away from where you parked it. Once you can get a friend to tow the dead truck back to Pleasant Grove, you will be charged a total of $230 in fees (including a $50 "administration fee" so you can fill out the paperwork) to get it out of the lot, which is a block away from were it broke down in the first place. You will not be buying food, let alone going to Disneyland, any time soon.


Love, Tanika

Dear Those in Both Light and Dark,

John 3
20  For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.
21  But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought of God.

The opposite of evil is truth. Therefore, when we are doing truth, we cannot be doing evil.



After reading these verses and many others in Sunday school today, the teacher then asked, "So why do people choose to stay in darkness?"

This is my answer.

Darkness is easy. When one turns off a light in a room, it's never painful. Eyes enjoy the rest, for they are not being put to work. If one chooses to apply their eyes in the dark, they will adjust. However, after continuous usage they will grow weak. Meanwhile, those who walk in darkness do not see what they are missing. They can walk along in the dark room just fine until they stumble upon an object they didn't see coming and stub their toe. It hurts, they curse their unidentified stumbling block, and continue on their way.

Suddenly turning on a light in a room full of people who have been sitting in the dark for an extended amount of time often results in an outburst of near-outraged groaning. Those who have adjusted to the darkness will feel a searing pain in their weakened eyes. Many may immediately ask to turn the lights back off. But, given time, they will be able to see the room with clarity. The walkers will see that perhaps that thing they ran into that hurt them so much was, in fact, something they can put to good use.

Being able to truly see, though it may not always be easy, will always be better than remaining blind in the dark.

Love, Tanika

Dear Princess Peach,

Love, Tanika

Dear Santa,

(To the Reader: Don't let your younger children read this forward. ;) I am almost 21 years old. Since I have been able to make sense of putting pen to paper, my mother has insisted that every Christmas I write a letter to Santa. As a child, I took it for face value, entrusting that my parents would get my letter to the North Pole through the special deal all parents have with the postal service. As I grew older and the magic of Old St. Nick faded, I figured Mom would let up on the "Dear Santa" format, and just accept a list of things I wanted/needed that Yule Tide season. But no. Such basic, impersonal writings were rejected, with my mother saying something along the lines of, "Santa wants a REAL letter; not a demanding list." So, continuing on into junior high, and high school, and now my young adult life, I am required to write, text, or in this case, blog, a letter to Santa. Here is this year's rendition.)


Hello there, my jolly old friend! How have things been this year? How's the North Pole? How are those eight crazy reindeer? Most importantly, how's the Mrs. doing? I hope all are well. They deserve to be happy at your busiest time of year.

Anyway, on to the section where I ask kindly, and do not demand, some special gifts from the best gift-giver on the earth. It's taken me a while to think of all the things I desire this year; I've gotten into the habit of buying things for myself, and you know how I am about the whole "asking for things" thing. But, here goes.

For most of my life, I've been content to own basic tennis shoes for days I'll be on my feet, one or two pairs of dress shoes for Sundays and other dressier occasions, and random pairs of flip flops for summer... all the time. This lifestyle is WRONG!!! So. I would deeply appreciate a cute pair of rubber boots for those wet and soggy days we get around here every once in a while. I'd also appreciate money to help fund for other cute boots that I will buy on my own time. I'm way too picky to ask you to guess at what kind I want.

I'd also love to get some cake-building supplies. In particular I'd like an apron (preferably a cute one, but more importantly functional and long enough to cover me) and frosting piping tips. Anything else that has to do with baking and/or cake shaping would be cool, but the aforementioned will suffice. I've found that Michael's has the best variety (of supplies, not aprons), in case your elves have problems building the things themselves.

As my parents know, my organizational means in the basement are... limited. I'm really really grateful for the portable closet Good Friend Aubrey so generously gave me earlier this year, but I'm finding that not all of my clothes are easily hung up. If you could please give me a superdy cheap-o dresser from DI... or... ya know... scrap wood from your shop... that would be great.

Due to the fact that my laptop sometimes has issues downloading the latest versions of programs, I can no longer access the iTunes store. Traditionally, you have been gracious enough to give me an iTunes gift card, but unfortunately I won't be able to use one this year. If you still want to give me some form of funding for entertainment (which I would LOVE, I'm all for getting new music and movies) the best rout would be to give me a gift certificate to FYE. If at all possible, it would be great to figure out how to fix the problem with my computer, but I've already tried multiple things and none have worked, so... no biggie at all if you can't figure it out, either. I love my lappy, and I'm fine with it the way it is.

If we really wanna get splurgy, I'm always up for a starter on laser hair removal. But seeing as how I'm posting this in a blog... let's just talk about that later. :)

That sums me up! Thank you oh, so very much for considering my requests for Christmas this year! As usual, don't worry about getting absolutely everything on the list, just whatever comes easiest for you. The fact that you're still doing this for me is more than I could ask for, so I won't ask for more. I love you, Santa! I hope you stay healthy and happy in all your journeying in the next few weeks. Keep that sleigh up to code!

Love, Tanika

Dear Sanity,

I've written at least one blog a month since I started this thing. Seeing as how it's almost the end of November and I have yet to write anything, in case I don't get around to it within the next few days, this is my blog for the month. I can put you at ease. We won't have to add a little extra "in" to the beginning of your name.

...

Now I feel like a lame, pathetic loser because I haven't written anything worthwhile this month.

Oh. Well, I have time later today... ya know... after calling it a night...

I'll figure out something less disappointing in the morning.

Love, Tanika

Dear E vs. I,

I've been fighting this for a long time. I've always thought of myself as an Extrovert (E). But I am not. I am an Introvert (I). This may come as a surprise to many who have known me pre-college, because I seem so unbelievably outspoken half the time, and decently outgoing whenever else I'm observed. And that was true for most of my life.

However, looking back, I've realized that I seemed to be this way because of my upbringing, particularly in my schooling. I started out in preschool with many of the kids in my neighborhood. I knew almost everyone there beforehand. Then, going into kindergarten, I still had that same base of familiar people; just adding a few more. Because my family has stayed in the same house for almost as long as I can remember, and I never transferred schools or anything like that, I was constantly in a familiar environment. From elementary school, to junior high, to high school, I was never the new kid.

There were times when I had to try to make friends, but it was never a long struggle. If I had shy moments or there were times I felt excluded, I could always go back to that base of people whom I had known for years and trusted. Or, I would be swooped upon by those who were older than me and saw my potential, and I was included. By my senior year, I was completely comfortable and in my element, never needing to stretch myself outside of familiarity more than to include those who came into my world.

Then I graduated, and went to college.

For the first time in my life, I was not the top dog. It was the classic scenario of turning from a big fish in a little pond to a small fish in a comparatively large pond. In the theatre world, I had serious competition. I was not the best at everything. I became extremely intimidated by pretty much anyone who grasped things faster than I did. I lost a lot of my drive and confidence. Suddenly I found myself in large groups of people with next to nothing to say. Making friends was difficult, but it happened. Instead of being a member and leader of an army of comrades, I chose to spend my time with a few close friends, slowly getting to know them on an individual level.

Because I had known myself to be an extrovert for most of my life, it was difficult to come to this conclusion. In the last year or so, I've had people (mostly those whom I have allowed myself to become close to since college) diagnose me as an introvert, and I was almost offended by it. How could such a person who had been known to be so confident, so well-known, so LOUD, be an introvert? According to one particular friend, the best way to tell whether someone is an E or an I (thank you, Myers-Briggs) is to put them in a large crowd of people they don't know. Does this person easily go out of their way to introduce themselves to anyone and everyone in the room, or do they choose to stay aloof, barely speaking unless spoken to, and possibly finding one or two people to get to know?

Considering my background of knowing most of my peers in my childhood, I was rarely surrounded by strangers. I thought, because I made myself the center of attention in many situations, of course I was an E. Even in classroom settings where I didn't know absolutely everyone, I was always one to speak up. However, once I was finally put into multiple scenarios of unfamiliarity, I either became or discovered my Introvert-ness, for lack of a better word.

I am shy. It is difficult for me to put myself out there among people I don't know. Unless I know and am comfortable with all or most members of a party, I have a tendency to keep my conversations between a few people, or, if there is an intimidating element pressing upon me in the situation, I shut down completely. Once you get to know me, then you will discover that I still am that loud and confident person... but just with you.

So there you go, E vs. I. I can now comfortably accept the fact that I'm an introvert. And that's okay.

Love, Tanika

Dear Eric Whitacre,

HOW did I forget about you? Please, oh please forgive me for this lapse in judgement. I've had With A Lily In Your Hand stuck in my head for the last hour, and I quite suddenly miss being in a high quality choir. SO much. AND it makes me miss analyzing in-depth poetry.



With a lily in your hand
I leave you, o my night love!
Little widow of my single star
I find you.
Tamer of dark butterflies!
I keep along my way.
After a thousand years have gone
you'll see me, o, my night love!
By the blue footpath,
tamer of dark stars,
I'll make my way.
Until the universe can fit inside my heart.

That being said, I would not go back to high school, given the chance. Aspects of it, yes, but it's not worth it to have to relive EVERYTHING.

Excuse me while I look up more poetry and music.

Love, Tanika

Dear Today,

Here are the things I learned from you:

1. It is ALWAYS the better decision to go to church rather than sleep.

2. Those ideas that I get that I'll never be married come from Satan, and I should really stop indulging him.

3. I have some really awesome women in my ward. I can bond with them.

4. I need to stop being so judgmental of the "culture."

5. Things are a lot easer to get done if I don't stop to think about how difficult they are going to be. 

6. Heavenly Father listens to my prayers, even when I don't realize that I'm really asking.

7. I know how to receive revelation, and I shouldn't doubt my most basic instincts and feelings.

8. I need to focus on the REAL reason I go to church, and not so much on the social aspects of it. 

9. I am a light. And it's okay to admit that I do a lot of things right, even when I do some things wrong.

10. By asking to be humbled, I am already on the right path to being humbled. 

11. Nail polish is a good conversation starter.

12. I know things. I should start expressing the things I know regardless of how those I fear will take them.

13. That being said, there ARE people on my side, who understand, and who will listen without looking to argue.

14. It is more important to be honest than to worry about what others think of me. If I am not honest, they probably aren't thinking good things about me anyway.

15. Faith is a usable object, not just an abstract idea. Faith moves mountains, even when physics says it can't. 

16. People who want me to be involved aren't out to get me. They just want me to be involved. 

17. Demeaning myself does wonders at stopping any sort of progress I may want to make. 

18. Waiting around for others to realize I'm drowning will only kill me faster. My salvation is between my Savior and me. 

19. "Fake it 'til you make it" does not mean I am lying until I figure things out. It means I am practicing those things I don't understand until I understand them. It is a leap of faith. 

20. This is my favorite line I've ever said in any show I've ever been in: "Make sure you understand a thing before you try to condemn it." People would learn to love a lot more if they practiced that advice from Hannah Whitefield.

21. I don't have to be surrounded by negative to be a positive influence. I can surround myself with positives, add my energy to theirs, and radiate all our energies combined. 

22. I am a positive. I know other positives. We CHOOSE to be positives. 

23. "For God so LOVED the world that he GAVE his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us so much that they both CHOSE to save us in this way. This was the greatest act of love ever committed. 

So, Today, thank you. I needed you more than I would have guessed when I woke up to you this morning.

Love, Tanika

Dear Facebook "Find your Friend" Picture Tagging Feature,

You just asked me to tag the wheel of my car.



Not the front one. Just that back one.

I love you.

Love, Tanika

P.S. I don't know what that feature thing is really called, because I have my facebook language set to Pirate. It's called "Mark yer Matey" or something like that in my tongue.

Dear People Invited to Theatrical Events on Facebook,

It is a rare happenstance when a production is put on for one night only. Usually, they run several nights a week for multiple weeks, or even months. On the event page, the person who created it will most likely put the date of closing night as the end time for the event, as well as opening night for the start time of the event. That way, you will see and understand that there are various chances to see the show, and know exactly how many MANY times you could take one of those said chances and see it. This does not mean that you are expected to see the show every single night. We are not asking you to make the same commitment we have made to be there every night. We just want you there for one evening, maybe more if you choose.  We just want you to be able to see it; we're flexible that way.

So when you say you cannot make it to opening night, and therefore will not be able to see the show at all, you display yourself as an unobservant git who deserves to be shot.

And it hurts our feelings.

Love, Tanika



P.S. I don't really believe anyone should ever be shot. It's just frustrating when we are excited for people to come see our show, and it's dismissed because people don't take the time to realize what's going on. It's just a vent, and I apologize to anyone who is offended or now worries I'm a homicidal maniac.

Dear Pop-tarts,

Thanks for not trying to be something nutritious for breakfast anymore. You are much better suited for dessert. I'll for sure try that ice cream Pop-tart sandwich on a stick thing.




Love, Tanika