Dear Things I Need To Have Happen Sometime In The Near Future,

I'm in a transitional phase. Rather, I'm in a waiting/transitional phase. Again. I'm on the brink of so many wonderful and exciting things. Some of them I need to just DO, and others require a little patience. These things have been swimming their way through my brain currents in a semi-unorganized fashion, so I'm taking this I'm-not-sleepy moment to let them all run out my fingertips and find some order on the screen I see before me, while updating my blog for all you lovely people on the screen you see before you. Yourself? Grammar. Ugh.

Before I rampage everything yet to happen, I must gloriously announce one huge thing that has a giant green check mark next to it on my to-do list, I HAVE A JOB! Actually, I have TWO jobs! One at Massage Envy in American Fork, the other is with a company called True Balance Onsite Massage, where I go to various places of business in the valley and work on employees, giving chair massage. Both are fantastic. Both are going to get me out of school debt and out of my parents' house and... oh dear, I let the list get ahead of me. may as well start it now.

1. I need to pay off my school debt. As previously stated and as logic goes, the jobs (and some prudence on my part) will take care of this. After multiple sit-downs with the calculator on my phone, I've figured out that I'll be able to pay off most of what I owe to the government by the end of the summer. BOO-YAH. However, I want to build my credit (I feel so adult and boring saying this) so I'll still make monthly payments for a good, eh... whatever will build my credit faster. Speaking of credit, how does one go about safely checking their credit score for free? Rumor has it it's possible, but like hayel if I'm trusting the commercials on the radio.

2. I need to move out of my parents' house. Here's the plan: I save up what I can to complete number 1 this summer, then move to Provo in August. If you'd ask me if I'd ever move back to Provo this time two years ago, I would have laughed and then punched you in the face. I've changed SO MUCH in the last two years, absolutely for the better. I'm in healthier, more self-relient place. I'm not moving out because I feel like I have to, I'm doing it because I want to. I can't be an adult the way I want to be while living here. Don't get me wrong; I'm eternally grateful for my parents' patience, understanding, and overwhelming support in letting me stay here, but they would agree that it's time I get my own place.
So why Provo? It's farther from work than where I live now, it's full of zoobies, and... some other con to make this a proper tri-list. Really, the only con is that I'd have to forge the Utah Valley I15 for a solid 7 entrance/exits. The goal is to get a place that's really close to the Center Street entrance, and Envy is right off the American Fork Main Street exit, so the commute would be about 90% freeway, which is not that bad... depending on construction and the time of day. I'll risk it. Besides, living that close to the freeway will get me far away enough from campus that my ward won't necessarily be filled with 18-year-olds who will be married faster than you can say, "Family, Home and Social Sciences." (I'm being so rude here, guys. Sorry if I offend you.) But really, most of my friends live there anyway, and let's face it... I need a better dating scene. Cringe. I'm not sure what I'll find there, but it's bound to be better than what I have now.

3. I need to upgrade my standard of living. This goes along well with number 2, but deserves its own mini-category. Things like getting a smart phone to better organize my life. Fixing my bike/getting a new one to be more eco-friendly and to add exercise to my lifestyle, not something I just set time aside to do. Taking better care of the things I have, like clothes, my car, my hair. Using my time wisely. I've spent a lot of the last year getting to the point of functioning well, and it's time to up my game. I have it set in my head that these are all things I'll do once I move out, but really, I can do them right now. So I will!

4. I need Elder Nathan Gardner to come home from his mission already! Three and a half weeks. June 14th. Freakishly excited. Don't get any ideas, people. I'm ready to have my best redhead friend back, and that's it. No, stop it. I know what look you're giving the screen right now. Stop it! I shouldn't have said anything.

5. I need to record myself singing more often, and SHARE it. I haven't given up on my dreams of being a professional singer/actress/whatever, but I've semi put them on hold while pursuing massage therapy. Now that I have THAT underway, I can get back to my core passion of music. I'm juggling with the idea of going back and getting my degree in vocal performance or something music-related, but that's still extremely vague and in the works. Meanwhile, here's a little ditty I recorded with my friend Sam Dodini, who's much better at internet-ly sharing his voice with others and has inspired me to do the same. Enjoy!



Love, Tanika

Dear Reader 4

Once again, my life has done that thing where it has become completely different since the last time I blogged. Changes being:

I am single. I won't go into details as to why. But I learned a lot from the experience. Always, always, do life experiences teach me to do better, to be better, next time.

I am graduated, and then some. I'm officially a licensed massage therapist (LMT for short), running an extremely small private practice. I'm currently living in two places at once; up in South Salt Lake with my loverly Aunt and Uncle Findlay during the week and at my parents' place on the weekends. Deciding to do the Master Bodyworker Program at the Salt Lake campus of UCMT (the continuing ed stuff I mentioned in the last blog) has been a huge eye-opener for me. If anything, it has humbled me into realizing that I still have a lot to learn not only about bodywork, but about life. Escaping the Happy Valley Bubble was is a lot scarier than I thought... turns out I really am a product of my surroundings. I'm the self-dubbed "Bright and Shiny" person in my tiny class of six people. Befriending those other five people is the best adventure.

That being said, I'm to the point where I really just want to be working. To have a chance to relight the fire of this fulfilling work. To make a LIVING. So it's time to pound the pavement and be a contributing member of society. And it will happen. I'm more than capable of getting a good job. I'm going to keep telling myself that until someone finally hires me.

Through all of this, I'm doing my best to establish a personal relationship with Heavenly Father, through Christ's atonement. Letting go of some serious pride has broken me down in ways I never thought would be this good for me. It's personal now. It's about doing the right things because I want to, not just because I should. It isn't about what others want or expect of me, it's what God expects of me. It's down to earth, it's deep, and it's real. It is my core. I don't think I've ever been this converted, and it feels more right than anything ever has.

So there you go. Without the forced positivity of anything, that is my life.

Here's a piece of music I've come to remember that I love in the last 48 hours. It, along with other pieces from this soundtrack, will hopefully be making its way into my Massage Therapy playlist as soon as I decide I have enough money to spend on music again. Have a great experience in your life sometime between now and the next time we talk.

Love, Tanika

Dear Reader 3

After randomly picking up my blog again last night, I realized that I had previously talked about "Big Changes" and "Things Happening with My Life" and "I'M AN ADULT!!!" type stuff, but being oh so totally vague about what those happenings were. How mysterious of me... sorta.

Also, very few of my blogs this year have had pictures in them.

So I'm making up for not talking about what's going on in my life, personally, before I have to get ready for the day.

I graduate from THIS school in THREE WEEKS!!!!

Fo shiz. If you need a massage therapist, I'm really quite good. I'm a great Christmas present, too!

So that was the big change. Once I graduate, I'm moving on to 10 more weeks of continuing ed, because I can. However, I definitely want to be working during those 10 weeks. Best time to catch me is on weekends. 

Since starting that school, I have done two plays. First THIS one:

Again. I was white this time. In fact, I looked like THIS:

I KNOW, RIGHT?! Totally awesome experience. Performed it in front of thousands of people. I think. Ha. 

The second play I did was THIS:

Much smaller show, but absolutely fantastic. Got a lot more out of it than I was expecting, particularly in the friendship department. (Shout out to my SHTR peeps. Leedle.)

I sorta looked like THIS:

My hair was a lot more 40's. I was lazy on picture day. But believe me, I make one attractive maid.

Speaking of attractive, I've been dating THIS guy:

He is Trent. He is great. No, we are not engaged. He is currently going to grad school for Scene Design at Ohio State University. That is in Ohio. OHIO is fun to shout. OIHO is fun to shout backward. Ohio is far away. Trent has been far away since the beginning of September. Long distance is not my favorite. But he will be home for the better part of December. And I am excited. Fragmented sentence.

So. That's me since I last blogged. Aside from last night.

Love, Tanika

Dear Mr. Satan,

Shut up!

I have a lot of really positive changes happening in my life. I've rectified many a wrong, I'm learning to use my talents to do good things for the world, and I've chosen to get the ball rolling with my education and career. Basically, I'm taking charge of my life.

So of course you're making sure I focus on all the things I'm losing instead of what I'm gaining.

You, Satan, do not have that power over my life. I don't believe the lies you think you're getting me to tell myself. Just because changes are happening, does not mean that I am being abandoned. I am choosing to make these steps, and these things inevitably lead to the distancing of people. And that's okay. Everything will end up being okay because I am in line with what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

So, Mr. Satan, shut up!

Love, Tanika

Dear E vs. I,

I've been fighting this for a long time. I've always thought of myself as an Extrovert (E). But I am not. I am an Introvert (I). This may come as a surprise to many who have known me pre-college, because I seem so unbelievably outspoken half the time, and decently outgoing whenever else I'm observed. And that was true for most of my life.

However, looking back, I've realized that I seemed to be this way because of my upbringing, particularly in my schooling. I started out in preschool with many of the kids in my neighborhood. I knew almost everyone there beforehand. Then, going into kindergarten, I still had that same base of familiar people; just adding a few more. Because my family has stayed in the same house for almost as long as I can remember, and I never transferred schools or anything like that, I was constantly in a familiar environment. From elementary school, to junior high, to high school, I was never the new kid.

There were times when I had to try to make friends, but it was never a long struggle. If I had shy moments or there were times I felt excluded, I could always go back to that base of people whom I had known for years and trusted. Or, I would be swooped upon by those who were older than me and saw my potential, and I was included. By my senior year, I was completely comfortable and in my element, never needing to stretch myself outside of familiarity more than to include those who came into my world.

Then I graduated, and went to college.

For the first time in my life, I was not the top dog. It was the classic scenario of turning from a big fish in a little pond to a small fish in a comparatively large pond. In the theatre world, I had serious competition. I was not the best at everything. I became extremely intimidated by pretty much anyone who grasped things faster than I did. I lost a lot of my drive and confidence. Suddenly I found myself in large groups of people with next to nothing to say. Making friends was difficult, but it happened. Instead of being a member and leader of an army of comrades, I chose to spend my time with a few close friends, slowly getting to know them on an individual level.

Because I had known myself to be an extrovert for most of my life, it was difficult to come to this conclusion. In the last year or so, I've had people (mostly those whom I have allowed myself to become close to since college) diagnose me as an introvert, and I was almost offended by it. How could such a person who had been known to be so confident, so well-known, so LOUD, be an introvert? According to one particular friend, the best way to tell whether someone is an E or an I (thank you, Myers-Briggs) is to put them in a large crowd of people they don't know. Does this person easily go out of their way to introduce themselves to anyone and everyone in the room, or do they choose to stay aloof, barely speaking unless spoken to, and possibly finding one or two people to get to know?

Considering my background of knowing most of my peers in my childhood, I was rarely surrounded by strangers. I thought, because I made myself the center of attention in many situations, of course I was an E. Even in classroom settings where I didn't know absolutely everyone, I was always one to speak up. However, once I was finally put into multiple scenarios of unfamiliarity, I either became or discovered my Introvert-ness, for lack of a better word.

I am shy. It is difficult for me to put myself out there among people I don't know. Unless I know and am comfortable with all or most members of a party, I have a tendency to keep my conversations between a few people, or, if there is an intimidating element pressing upon me in the situation, I shut down completely. Once you get to know me, then you will discover that I still am that loud and confident person... but just with you.

So there you go, E vs. I. I can now comfortably accept the fact that I'm an introvert. And that's okay.

Love, Tanika

Dear This Question,

"If you could go back in time and change anything, would you?"

Ya know what? People usually say (in response to this question), "No, all my decisions have lead me to who I am now, the good and the bad are all a part of me." And that's all fine and dandy for those people; I am happy that you're in a great place in your life. But there are really some things I wish I hadn't done, and there are ESPECIALLY things I wish I had done better. And I can repent, and have repented, which is AMAZING, but my life would be easier if I had made better decisions in the first place.

So, to answer this question, yeah. I would. I would go back in time and slap myself in the face and say, "Realize in your now what you are doing to me in my now! Listen to your parents! They are so unbelievably right! Follow through with something for once in your life!" I'm not okay with a lot of who I am today; it would be a complacent lie to say otherwise. Trying to fix what I've broken is difficult. It's already been hard dealing with decisions, or lack of decisions, I made for most of my academic life. There are habits I've created that, in my mind, are impossible to break. It makes me feel horrible.

I feel like I should have been one of those people who got perfect grades in high school, who strived for excellence, who got on honor roll and thought, "Oh, good. Another average semester." But I wasn't. There was a point when I just stopped caring. It got to the point where if I passed a class that had nothing to do with choir or drama, there was a celebration between my parents and myself. How... settling of me. And of my parents, but that's a bull crap psychological blame game to bring them into it.

Anyway, to this day, I can't stand to do homework. Even if it's easy. I've put up a mental block. The word "homework" gives me an ulcer. Every year, every semester, I think, "This one will be different. I'll figure out a great system of how to do my homework, and turn it in on time, and la de frickin' da," and something miniscule and stupid will happen, like I'll forget my book for one day, and I stop doing homework for the semester. And I fail.

Do you understand why I say YES to this question? If I felt like I had things really resolved with this issue, I'd probably be able to be everyone else with this question. It's not resolved. I'm probably dropping out of college because it's not resolved. And society says these days that if you don't graduate from college, you fail life and you'll never be happy, whatever.

I could keep going, but it's late, so I'll probably do the second half of this rant entitled something like, "So since I'm not your typical go-to-college type person, this is my plan" some other night. No comments because I haven't finished explaining myself.

Love, Tanika

Dear Glorious Life,

I don't know what happened between today and yesterday, but despite still feeling a little bit sick, I am elated. I don't know what it is. Perhaps I'll make a list of all the things it may be:

Maybe it's that I feel so much better (health wise) than yesterday.
Maybe it was seeing that boy scout stuff while discussing Charlie's wedding cake.
Maybe it was tonight's episode of Glee (don't judge, Reader).
Maybe it was seeing many of my good old friends from Mattress.
Maybe it's my awesome antibiotics that look like party pills.
Maybe it's Lady Gaga.
Maybe it's awful popular music from 1999.
Maybe it's the rain, even though that's slowing up yard work.
Maybe it's that the family dog likes me best. (He sleeps with his eyes open, by the way. Creepers.)
Maybe it's my hair.
Maybe it's Sunshine. But that one is scary to think about.
Maybe it's because you just lost The Game.
Maybe my antibiotics that look like party pills really are party pills.
Maybe I'm on the manic side of some undiagnosed manic-depression. But that one's not fun.

Whatever it is, it feel like I'm being hugged by the air itself. It feels like I'm five years old. It feels like Disneyland without lines and everything is free.

The world is glowing, people.

Here. Have one of the most ironically hopeful songs out there.



Love, Tanika