Dear Happiness,

I found you!

For the last month and then some, I have been LIVING my life, and it is glorious. In my last post, I talked about how I was making a whole bunch of big changes. Those changes have settled themselves into who I am. For the first time in years, I'm happy on a regular basis. And no, it's not one of those weird euphoric mood swings I get every once in a while where I'm suddenly ecstatic for no apparent reason and then a day or two later, I crash back into what I used to call "my true self," where I was content to be moderately downtrodden. No; I am genuinely a happy person now, and have been for five weeks and counting.

Of course there have been moments of less-than-bliss. Things are not always perfect, and I feel whatever emotions I need to feel about the given situation. But then I choose to focus on my goals, and the things I have power to change, and I go on living. I am not stuck. I am progressing. Instead of life coming at me, I am coming at life. That empowerment is extraordinary. 

I used to hate the word "happy." I thought it sounded cheesy and childish. I would use all sorts of synonyms to avoid using it. Now that I understand the word, not as just an emotion, but as a state of being, I'm more and more inclined to use it. 

To be honest, I've been avoiding writing this post, because I was afraid of jinxing everything I have going for me; that as soon as I allowed myself to write down how blissful I am, something awful would happen to strip me of everything I have going for me. That will not be the case. I know exactly where this happiness is coming from; my Heavenly Father and myself, by allowing Him to empower me to take charge of my life. Instead of waiting around for Him to tell me exactly what I needed to do with my life, I chose for myself and asked if it was okay. After a lot of war against Satan (again, refer to my last post) and breaking through my inhibitions and doubts, I had a glorious light dawn on me that I was doing exactly what I need to be doing. I thank Heavenly Father so much for allowing me to be free, to make my own choices, and for supporting me in them. Because Happiness is my choice, something that I have claimed as my own, it cannot leave me unless I let it go. There is no possible way that is happening any time soon.

Whatever happens from this point forward, I know that I can choose to not let it defeat me. I can overcome everything, because I am not alone, and because this is MY life.

Love, Tanika

Dear Mr. Satan,

Shut up!

I have a lot of really positive changes happening in my life. I've rectified many a wrong, I'm learning to use my talents to do good things for the world, and I've chosen to get the ball rolling with my education and career. Basically, I'm taking charge of my life.

So of course you're making sure I focus on all the things I'm losing instead of what I'm gaining.

You, Satan, do not have that power over my life. I don't believe the lies you think you're getting me to tell myself. Just because changes are happening, does not mean that I am being abandoned. I am choosing to make these steps, and these things inevitably lead to the distancing of people. And that's okay. Everything will end up being okay because I am in line with what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

So, Mr. Satan, shut up!

Love, Tanika

Dear Santa,

(To the Reader: Don't let your younger children read this forward. ;) I am almost 21 years old. Since I have been able to make sense of putting pen to paper, my mother has insisted that every Christmas I write a letter to Santa. As a child, I took it for face value, entrusting that my parents would get my letter to the North Pole through the special deal all parents have with the postal service. As I grew older and the magic of Old St. Nick faded, I figured Mom would let up on the "Dear Santa" format, and just accept a list of things I wanted/needed that Yule Tide season. But no. Such basic, impersonal writings were rejected, with my mother saying something along the lines of, "Santa wants a REAL letter; not a demanding list." So, continuing on into junior high, and high school, and now my young adult life, I am required to write, text, or in this case, blog, a letter to Santa. Here is this year's rendition.)


Hello there, my jolly old friend! How have things been this year? How's the North Pole? How are those eight crazy reindeer? Most importantly, how's the Mrs. doing? I hope all are well. They deserve to be happy at your busiest time of year.

Anyway, on to the section where I ask kindly, and do not demand, some special gifts from the best gift-giver on the earth. It's taken me a while to think of all the things I desire this year; I've gotten into the habit of buying things for myself, and you know how I am about the whole "asking for things" thing. But, here goes.

For most of my life, I've been content to own basic tennis shoes for days I'll be on my feet, one or two pairs of dress shoes for Sundays and other dressier occasions, and random pairs of flip flops for summer... all the time. This lifestyle is WRONG!!! So. I would deeply appreciate a cute pair of rubber boots for those wet and soggy days we get around here every once in a while. I'd also appreciate money to help fund for other cute boots that I will buy on my own time. I'm way too picky to ask you to guess at what kind I want.

I'd also love to get some cake-building supplies. In particular I'd like an apron (preferably a cute one, but more importantly functional and long enough to cover me) and frosting piping tips. Anything else that has to do with baking and/or cake shaping would be cool, but the aforementioned will suffice. I've found that Michael's has the best variety (of supplies, not aprons), in case your elves have problems building the things themselves.

As my parents know, my organizational means in the basement are... limited. I'm really really grateful for the portable closet Good Friend Aubrey so generously gave me earlier this year, but I'm finding that not all of my clothes are easily hung up. If you could please give me a superdy cheap-o dresser from DI... or... ya know... scrap wood from your shop... that would be great.

Due to the fact that my laptop sometimes has issues downloading the latest versions of programs, I can no longer access the iTunes store. Traditionally, you have been gracious enough to give me an iTunes gift card, but unfortunately I won't be able to use one this year. If you still want to give me some form of funding for entertainment (which I would LOVE, I'm all for getting new music and movies) the best rout would be to give me a gift certificate to FYE. If at all possible, it would be great to figure out how to fix the problem with my computer, but I've already tried multiple things and none have worked, so... no biggie at all if you can't figure it out, either. I love my lappy, and I'm fine with it the way it is.

If we really wanna get splurgy, I'm always up for a starter on laser hair removal. But seeing as how I'm posting this in a blog... let's just talk about that later. :)

That sums me up! Thank you oh, so very much for considering my requests for Christmas this year! As usual, don't worry about getting absolutely everything on the list, just whatever comes easiest for you. The fact that you're still doing this for me is more than I could ask for, so I won't ask for more. I love you, Santa! I hope you stay healthy and happy in all your journeying in the next few weeks. Keep that sleigh up to code!

Love, Tanika

Dear E vs. I,

I've been fighting this for a long time. I've always thought of myself as an Extrovert (E). But I am not. I am an Introvert (I). This may come as a surprise to many who have known me pre-college, because I seem so unbelievably outspoken half the time, and decently outgoing whenever else I'm observed. And that was true for most of my life.

However, looking back, I've realized that I seemed to be this way because of my upbringing, particularly in my schooling. I started out in preschool with many of the kids in my neighborhood. I knew almost everyone there beforehand. Then, going into kindergarten, I still had that same base of familiar people; just adding a few more. Because my family has stayed in the same house for almost as long as I can remember, and I never transferred schools or anything like that, I was constantly in a familiar environment. From elementary school, to junior high, to high school, I was never the new kid.

There were times when I had to try to make friends, but it was never a long struggle. If I had shy moments or there were times I felt excluded, I could always go back to that base of people whom I had known for years and trusted. Or, I would be swooped upon by those who were older than me and saw my potential, and I was included. By my senior year, I was completely comfortable and in my element, never needing to stretch myself outside of familiarity more than to include those who came into my world.

Then I graduated, and went to college.

For the first time in my life, I was not the top dog. It was the classic scenario of turning from a big fish in a little pond to a small fish in a comparatively large pond. In the theatre world, I had serious competition. I was not the best at everything. I became extremely intimidated by pretty much anyone who grasped things faster than I did. I lost a lot of my drive and confidence. Suddenly I found myself in large groups of people with next to nothing to say. Making friends was difficult, but it happened. Instead of being a member and leader of an army of comrades, I chose to spend my time with a few close friends, slowly getting to know them on an individual level.

Because I had known myself to be an extrovert for most of my life, it was difficult to come to this conclusion. In the last year or so, I've had people (mostly those whom I have allowed myself to become close to since college) diagnose me as an introvert, and I was almost offended by it. How could such a person who had been known to be so confident, so well-known, so LOUD, be an introvert? According to one particular friend, the best way to tell whether someone is an E or an I (thank you, Myers-Briggs) is to put them in a large crowd of people they don't know. Does this person easily go out of their way to introduce themselves to anyone and everyone in the room, or do they choose to stay aloof, barely speaking unless spoken to, and possibly finding one or two people to get to know?

Considering my background of knowing most of my peers in my childhood, I was rarely surrounded by strangers. I thought, because I made myself the center of attention in many situations, of course I was an E. Even in classroom settings where I didn't know absolutely everyone, I was always one to speak up. However, once I was finally put into multiple scenarios of unfamiliarity, I either became or discovered my Introvert-ness, for lack of a better word.

I am shy. It is difficult for me to put myself out there among people I don't know. Unless I know and am comfortable with all or most members of a party, I have a tendency to keep my conversations between a few people, or, if there is an intimidating element pressing upon me in the situation, I shut down completely. Once you get to know me, then you will discover that I still am that loud and confident person... but just with you.

So there you go, E vs. I. I can now comfortably accept the fact that I'm an introvert. And that's okay.

Love, Tanika

Dear Glorious Life,

I don't know what happened between today and yesterday, but despite still feeling a little bit sick, I am elated. I don't know what it is. Perhaps I'll make a list of all the things it may be:

Maybe it's that I feel so much better (health wise) than yesterday.
Maybe it was seeing that boy scout stuff while discussing Charlie's wedding cake.
Maybe it was tonight's episode of Glee (don't judge, Reader).
Maybe it was seeing many of my good old friends from Mattress.
Maybe it's my awesome antibiotics that look like party pills.
Maybe it's Lady Gaga.
Maybe it's awful popular music from 1999.
Maybe it's the rain, even though that's slowing up yard work.
Maybe it's that the family dog likes me best. (He sleeps with his eyes open, by the way. Creepers.)
Maybe it's my hair.
Maybe it's Sunshine. But that one is scary to think about.
Maybe it's because you just lost The Game.
Maybe my antibiotics that look like party pills really are party pills.
Maybe I'm on the manic side of some undiagnosed manic-depression. But that one's not fun.

Whatever it is, it feel like I'm being hugged by the air itself. It feels like I'm five years old. It feels like Disneyland without lines and everything is free.

The world is glowing, people.

Here. Have one of the most ironically hopeful songs out there.



Love, Tanika